macadamianutz's Xanga

Knowing Little

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:54:36 GMT

I guess it's been awhile since I've written. It's not that I have nothing to say, but rather - this enveloping awareness that the more I understand, the less I know. It's a period of introspection, of realizing how small I truly am. I realize that every time I open my mouth, I am preventing another's voice from speaking.

I suppose it's my turn to listen. To force myself outside of myself, to weigh in from another's point of view.

Spending time in this space is different - humbling. Instead of pleading, "See me, hear me, know me, love me!" I am noticing how everyone, really, is echoing the same cry. In different ways, but if you watch closely, there it is.

And I'm not sure just yet what I can do about it.

Hell, no!

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 06:35:59 GMT

When we use the threat of hell to motivate people to come to God, we are using it in a way Jesus never did, and in a way He never intended. We actually push people further away from God's greatest desire (for relationship), rather than inviting them closer to it. Jesus' message was that God's kingdom has come near you and you can become a participant in it. (The doors to His household have been flung open! Will you enter?) You have a Father who loves you more than any other person ever has or ever will, and you can now discover what it means to have a daily, intimate relationship with Him. Conversely, your continued rejection of that relationship will result in an eternity of independence, with no opportunity to re-instate the relationship. (That is hell, in a nutshell!) The only stipulation is this: we must choose while we are alive, while there is an element of faith required.

When we consider hell as the opposite of heaven (heaven being God's household, hell being forever outside its gates) - it becomes clear that hell is simply eternal separation for people who choose to reject the offer to live in God's house. Why would He force them into a relationship they have rejected? He allows us to walk away from Him. If we were created for relationship with Him, there's no reason for those who aren't interested to hang around. However, once they realize they're locked out of His house forever ... perhaps then the gnashing of teeth (frustration over their poor choice), the unquenchable thirst (for Him), the torment (of regret) ... makes sense. Even the fire - haven't you ever burned with anger at yourself? And brimstone stinks ... so who knows? Maybe once we've removed ourselves from God's sweet fragrance, there are no pleasing smells but only blood, sweat and tears ...

Love and Living

Tue, 19 May 2009 20:09:22 GMT

What's it all about?

The mature person realizes that life affirms itself most, not in acquiring things, but in giving time, efforts, strength, intelligence, and love to others.

Here a different kind of dialectic of life and death begins to appear. The living drive, the vital satisfaction, by "ending" its trend to self-satisfaction and redirecting itself to and for others, transcends itself. It "dies" insofar as the ego is concerned, for the self is deprived of the immediate satisfactions which it could claim without being contested. Now it renounces these things, in order to give to others. Hence, life "dies" to itself in order to give itself away and thus affirms itself more maturely, more fruitfully, and more completely. We live in order to die to ourselves and give everything to others.

...This "dying" to self in order to give to others is nothing more or less than a higher and more special affirmation of life. Such dying is the fruit of life, the evidence of mature and productive living. It is, in fact, the end or the goal of life.

Thomas Merton, Love and Living

Following Jesus

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:57:33 GMT

"Do you know what the most frequent command in the Bible turns out to be? What instruction, what order is given again and again - by God, by angels, by Jesus, by prophets and apostles? "Be good"? "Be holy, for I am holy"? "Don't sin"? "Don't be immoral"? No. The most frequent command in the Bible is: "Don't be afraid." "Fear not."

The irony of this surprising command is that, though it's what we all really want to hear, we have as much difficulty, if not more, in obeying this command as any other. We all cherish fear so closely that we find we can't shed it even when we're told to do so. This command bursts in upon a world in which we eat, sleep and breathe fear.
We're afraid of being alone, of being unloved, of being abandoned.
We're afraid of looking stupid, of being left behind in some race that we all seem to be automatically entered for.
We're afraid that we might never find the right person and that if we do marry, it may turn out to be a disaster.
We are afraid of both growing older and more feeble, and of dying suddenly.

And these are just the big ones. There are dozens of lesser fears which reinforce and feed on each other. So you see why this command, 'Don't be afraid,' is one of the hardest of all to keep. Can you imagine living without fear? Living a normal, wise, responsible life without the nagging sense that something is about to go horribly wrong, that you may have made it through this day, this week, but it was simply a happy accident, since the universe is basically unfriendly and Murphy's Law will take revenge eventually? That is how most people live.

To that condition, the gospel of Jesus comes with bad news and good news. The good news: there is just one command this time, not even ten. The bad news: this one command tells us to love - to be unafraid - and we haven't a clue how to obey it. Fear is the air we breathe. We don't really know any other way to live. Believing in the God who raised Jesus from the dead means believing that it is going to be all right; and this belief is, ultimately, incompatible with fear. As John says in his letter, "perfect love casts out fear" (1John 4:18) And the resurrection is the revelation of perfect love, God's perfect love for us, his human creatures. That's why, though we may at any stage in our lives grasp the truth that God raised Jesus from the dead, it takes us all our life long to let that belief soak through and permeate the rest of our thinking, feeling and worrying lives.

Therefore, we are not to be surprised if living as Christians brings us to the place where we find we are at the end of our own resources, and that we are called to rely on the God who raises the dead. Living by faith rather than by fear is so odd for us, so scary for us, that it takes a lot of learning. Bit by bit we must open ourselves to the power of this resurrection God; and sometimes this will only happen when we find ourselves in the sudden crisis where there is nothing else that we can do. Don't be surprised if this happens, not least when you face an uncertain future. Use such an opportunity as the moment when your belief in the resurrection of Jesus, your trust in the God who raises the dead, your determination to follow the Lamb wherever he goes, reaches down one or two levels deeper into your own innermost being, the place where all those fears still live.

If Jesus did rise again from the dead, then there is nothing ultimately to be afraid of; as the Psalmist says, "the God who has delivered my whole person from death will also deliver my eyes from tears and my feet from falling." (Psalm 116:8) It is because Jesus reveals this God to us that we find ourselves called, at the deepest level of our being, to follow Him. And once we recognize the truth about the surpassing God, the God who raises the dead, we can trust Him with every lesser task that may come our way. He can be trusted with exams. He can be trusted with jobs, even when they don't necessarily work out the way we thought they should. He can be trusted with marriage, both as we look forward to it with eagerness and when we find ourselves within it and facing the stresses and strains that all contemporary marriages must expect. He can be trusted with money, even when it seems as though there is even less of it available than we had thought. He can be trusted with old age. He can be trusted with death itself. " N.T. Wright

"But" Theology

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 06:18:42 GMT

Just wanted to share a tidbit from a wonderful book by Wayne Jacobsen (He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father's Affection) He nails it, in my humble opinion. :)

"It's as if we can only keep the message of grace intact for the first fifteen minutes of someone's birth into God's kingdom. After that we start loading them up with the obligations of being a 'good' Christian:
     "Of course we are saved by grace, but that doesn't mean we can just sit around and do nothing."
      "God is a loving Father, but don't take advantage of that because he is also a severe judge."
      "We are not saved by our works, but we still need to live a life that pleases him." (Which usually consists of a mix of bible reading, prayer, church attendance, and righteous deeds.)

By embracing this "but" theology, we end up with a performance-based relationship to God. We live every day concerned about whether we have done enough to be a 'good Christian', and judge others around us by the same standards. It not only takes away all the joy of knowing God, but also the depth and transparency of our relationships with each other.

Whenever we add anything to God's work on the cross, the message is distorted and we rob it of its power. Grace doesn't need any add-ons. But we are far more used to being conformed by external pressures than we are to being transformed by His inner presence. Once we experience God's delight over us as His child, we will find ourselves willingly abandoning our own desires and embracing His. Paul knew the righteousness that comes from trusting God was the exact opposite of the righteousness his works had produced in him. Once he tasted the lifestyle trust produced, he never wanted to return to his old ways.

     "... that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."   - PHILIPPIANS 3:8-9

Extravagant Life, Part Two (through a glass, darkly)

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 06:34:27 GMT

So, I really wish I could say that I met Jesus and my life was forever changed. It did change eventually - but not as quickly as I would have thought. How could an experience of God's tangible presence induce anything less than a complete transformation of one's life? And yet, sadly, I regarded the event somewhat like this: "Wow! God IS real! It's so great to know there is someone to turn to when times are really bad." And I proceeded to continue making a mess of my life.

Even knowing I was in no shape to offer my bruised and battered heart to anyone, I entered into a relationship shortly after my divorce. Started dating someone else a few months later, while still in love with the first fella. You could say I was desperate for validation, hungry for the knowledge that I was still desirable.

It wasn't until a couple of years (and a fifth daughter) later - that I realized God actually desired something from ME. It was a completely foreign concept. I had heretofore viewed God as a wonderfully Grand Being who was far too busy running the universe to care about my daily activities. He was there in 'times of trouble', like Mother Mary was for the Catholics. Speaking words of wisdom - "Hang in there, you can do it!" - before whirling off on Imperial business.

It took the failure of these two relationships (and more heartache than three people should ever experience) for me to realize I needed to stop seeking my validation externally, from men. I ceased my urgent search for reassurance. I stopped running, I slowed down and paused ... I rested. Re-evaluated. Contemplated the wreckage around me. It wasn't pretty. But worst of all, I began to see how much I was hurting my girls. They were dealing with their own pain, their own insecurities. They needed me to be solid, to provide stability in a tilted world - but I was so wrapped up in my pain, I'd been blind to theirs.

This candid assessment left me as broken as I'd been that night at the beach. I looked around and, seeing the fragility of their hearts - decided to commit to staying single and pouring myself into motherhood. I'd chosen to give life to five beautiful daughters ... and they needed me now, more than ever. I knew I needed support ... so I initiated a conversation that was long overdue. Knowing I deserved nothing, I prayed; I asked God to be my husband in the absence of an earthly one. I asked Him to be a father to my girls, to enter our lives, to heal our brokenness.

It was the beginning of a relationship that has proved to be the most rewarding, the most stimulating, and yes - the most transforming of all. What I've realized in the years since, is that God is always with us. He fashions a God-shaped hole in our hearts, and He waits. Waits for us to come to the end of our own road - waits for us to take a step toward Him. He waits for us to initiate conversation. He desires true, deep, fulfilling relationship - and the moment we turn toward Him, He responds as if He has been longing for that very instant when we notice Him gazing upon us with a fierce and tender love, a jealous, refining love.

Entering into that love has been the most fulfilling journey of my life ...

From Suicide to Extravagant Life, Part 1

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:53:00 GMT

The closest I've come to entertaining thoughts of suicide was just before my divorce, in the summer of 1999. I had four sad little girls at home who needed me to be a safe port in the storm. I would sometimes cry at night in the bathtub, but then I realized two of the girls could hear me from their bedroom ... so I started taking long drives when my grief threatened to overwhelm.

One beautifully clear night I was driving along the highway, sobbing so grievously I couldn't see the road at all. I remember not caring if my car crossed the centre line. "At least," I carelessly reasoned, "the pain will stop." A fleeting vision of my daughters' faces flashed through my mind and somehow I managed to steer my car to a nearby beach. I parked and, still crying so hard I could hardly catch my breath, wailed in desperation to a dark, star-studded sky, "Help me! I can't ... bear ... this!"

Suddenly my car was filled with an amazing, soul-stunning, heart-flooding peace. I stopped crying instantly. You know how hard that is, when you are at the point where your breathing is ragged and torn, chest heaving with broken spasms? But I stopped, instantly. Not another tear fell.

That was when I encountered a presence whom I know now must have been Jesus ... no other being could have transformed my pain so beautifully, permeated my soul with such unshakable calm, or filled me with such deep hope. I drove home later that night knowing beyond a doubt that I was going to be alright. And although my marriage did fall apart, fragmenting lives and breaking hearts, I had met the One who restores and renews. But my journey was just beginning ...

APOLOGY TO THE WORLD

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 22:57:11 GMT

I stumbled across this letter today, written by Doug Perry - and it made me cry. In a deep, convicted sort of way. :)

Dear Members of the World,

I'm just a guy, nobody really. Son of a preacher and missionary. Years and years of Vacation Bible Schools, summer camps, youth ski trips, puppet shows, revivals, choir trips - you name it. Even went to a Christian college and got a degree in religion. I ended up in the business world, but I spent two decades tithing, sitting on committees, teaching Sunday School, going to seminars and conferences, etc. I even met my wife in the singles class at church. I'm not a bad guy, I've been mostly behaving myself and everybody seems to like me. I do some good stuff here and there.

But lately I've been trying to understand Jesus more and stuff I never noticed before has really started to bug me. I've been taking a look around and I'm having a hard time making sense of what it is we've built here. So, it just seemed like, whether anybody else says it or not, I need to take responsibility for the part I played and say what I have to say.

Here we go ...

I know you think that Christians are a big bunch of hypocrites. We say we're more "religious" and we're going to heaven and you're not, and then we drive our big shiny cars with little fishies on the trunk and cut you off in traffic as we race by the homeless guy on the corner. We average just 2% of our money to church and charity, despite that we say the Bible is the word of God and it says we're supposed to give everything. On average, we buy just as many big screen TVs and bass boats and fur coats and makeup and baseball cards and online porn as anybody else. Maybe more. You've seen leader after leader end up in jail or court or a sex scandal of one sort or another.

Well ... you're right. We're guilty of all of it. We've done it all. And, I'm really sorry.

You see our cheesy TV shows and slick guys begging for money and you get that there's something seriously sneaky and wrong here. A high-pressure call for money so they can stay on the air? Were we supposed to use Jesus as just another form of entertainment? Who do we think we're kidding? Where's Jesus in all this? Aren't we supposed to rely on him? Isn't He going to meet our needs if we're inside His will?

What happened to sacrifice and suffering and helping the poor? I'm just sick about this. I mean, the church leaders, they're not all bad guys, there are lots and lots of really hard-working well-meaning folks who love and care and are meeting real needs in the community. Some of them understand and love Jesus - but I'm just real sure those pastors don't drive Bentley's, have multi-million dollar homes and their own lear jets! I mean, what "god" are we worshipping? Money? Ego? Power?

You see our massive shiny new buildings all over the place. Heck, maybe we even kicked you out of your house so we could expand our parking lots. You can't figure out why we need four different Christian churches on four corners of the same intersection. We've got playgrounds and bowling alleys and basketball leagues. We've got Starbucks coffee in the sanctuary. We've got orchestras and giant chandeliers and fountains out front. We've got bookstores full of "jesus junk" with every imaginable style and flavor of religious knick-knack. But where's Jesus? Is this what HE wanted?

Oh, sure, there are good folks all over and not every church is such a mess, but Christians are the ones that say we're supposed to be "One Body." So even the good ones are guilty of not putting a stop to it sooner. We were supposed to keep each other in line and not tolerate factions and dissensions and greed and idolatry and all this other bad stuff. Man, we really blew it! We've got 33,000 denominations and most of them won't talk to the other ones. We lose over $5 million a day to fraud from "trusted" people inside the church! We spend 95% of all our money on our own comforts and programs and happy family fun time shows and we let 250 MILLION Christians in other countries live on the very edge of starvation. Not to mention the billion or so that have never even once heard of Jesus - or the homeless guy downtown we almost ran over when we cut you off.

We're as guilty as we can be. All of us. Nobody is exempt. We should have put a stop to it a lot sooner. But I can't apologize on behalf of anyone else. This is about me.

I know that you might have gone to church as a kid and stopped going as soon as you could. I know that you might even have been abused by somebody in the church! Maybe we got you all fired up and then just let you drift off like we didn't really care. Maybe you just don't fit our "profile." You might have piercings and purple hair or tattoos or been in jail -- and somewhere inside you just know that even if you wanted to go to church one Sunday, it would not go well. I'm sorry for that. Jesus loves you. He always hung out with the most unexpected people. He had the biggest heart for the folks everybody else tried to ignore. What have we done? We've told you to put on a sweater and some loafers or you can't go to heaven. I just want to throw up.

Look, I know you're mad. And you have a right to be. We've done you wrong for a LONG time now. There's some things about Jesus that people need to hear, but we've buried a beautiful masterpiece under hundreds of layers of soft pink latex paint. If you have a Bible handy, look up Matthew 23. (If you don't, you can look it up here - www.BibleGateway.com .) Find it? Read it carefully, the Pharisees were the "religious" people of the day, the leaders of the faith. In this chapter Jesus SEVEN times says how pitiful and wretched and cursed they are for what they're doing to the people they're supposed to be leading. He even calls them "white washed tombs of dead mens bones" and a "brood of vipers"! I don't have time here, but read it and see if we're not doing EVERY single one of those things. Jesus can't possibly be happy about what we've done to you.

Sure, we like to kid ourselves and pretend everything is OK - but it's not. We're hated. Now, please understand, Jesus was hated, too. But that was because he said hard things and sometimes people don't like hearing the Truth. And he promised we would be hated if we were like him. But that's not why we're hated at the moment. We're hated right now because we're a giant pack of lying hypocrites that say one thing and do something else altogether. If we were hated because we were like Jesus, that would be one thing, but that's not it at all. You see right through our happy music and fluffy services and you can tell there's something desperately wrong here. We're no different than anybody else - except that we say we're better than you.

It was never supposed to be like this. Jesus asked us to care for the widows and orphans, to feed the hungry, care for the sick, visit those in prison, reach the lost. He wanted us to love our enemies and pray for them. He cared about human justice and suffering, the lost and lonely. But I don't think He would have marched on a picket line - He had His mind on much bigger problems. He wanted us to focus on the eternal things, not the everyday. He never once said to go into all the world and build big buildings and divide up into factions and buy Bentleys. Just the opposite! I get that you're mad at us and I think you have a right to be, but please understand, you're mad at what we've made under our own power, you're mad at "Churchianity." That's different than Christ and what He wanted. Don't be mad at Jesus! This mess wasn't His idea!

Look, I'm really sorry. I accept responsibility for my part in having hurt you. But I'm committing to you all, dear Members of the World, that I'm not going to do it any more. Not a single penny more. I'm not going to put my faith in "Churchianity" or any leader or program or TV show -- but in Christ Jesus and His salvation. That's when I was set free and began to see that God wants and expects more of us than this. And I'm not helping anybody that's not fully committed to the same thing.

It took centuries to build this monster, so it's not like it's going to just turn around overnight. But the times are changing and we're way overdue for something new. Big bad things are happening - like the tsunami in Asia - and I think more are coming. I don't want any more time to go by without having said this. I'm sorry for all the time and money I've wasted. But Jesus saves. Really. The church itself isn't even the point. Jesus is the real deal. He lived and He died for my sins and He rose again. He is who He said He was and He cares about me - and you. He's our only hope. We need places you can go that will only teach Jesus and will not be swayed or tempted or distracted by anything else. God willing, that's coming.

Please don't think all Christians are just posers. Some of them really mean it when they say they belong to Christ. The problem is mostly in the West where we're all comfy and complacent and seem to like it that way. The Christians in China and other places are deadly serious. There's no room for anything but Jesus when you're on the run from the government. They are dying every day for their faith and doing crazy hard things because they're absolutely committed to Christ. These are martyrs. People willing to crucify little pieces of themselves every day to be more like Christ. People willing to set aside everything they want to do what Christ wants. People willing to rot in prison or take a beating or die if that's what it's going to take. People that act in pure love and never back down. I'm not worthy to tie their shoes. And there are some like that here, too, and I hope we can get a lot more people to start living that way. It's way overdue.

If you're talking to someone and they tell you they're a Christian, ask them if they're the kind of Christian that really means it all the time or the kind that just means it on Sunday. The Bible says we'll know them by their "fruits" - by the faith and purity and love in their deeds and words. When you find one that proves Christ is in them by how much they love you, ask them to tell you all about Jesus. If you know one of those fearless martyrs that speaks nothing but pure, clean, hard Truth - ask lots of questions. Truth is a lot more rare than you would think. But don't settle for soft, fluffy and comfortable anymore - that's not in the Bible.

As for me and my house, we're really sorry. From now on, we're going to serve the Lord, not "Churchianity." We're going to try to call together as many of those martyrs as we can and start doing what Christ wanted. If I run into you someday, please give me a chance to shake your hand and apologize in person. I'm going to try harder from now on, I promise. I think there are lots of others feeling the same way, so don't be surprised if you start hearing stuff like this more often.

Thanks for your time. I hope it helps.

Doug Perry - Liberty, Missouri, USA
www.FellowshipOfTheMartyrs.com

Gates of Hell

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:08:38 GMT

C.S. Lewis understood hell not as a place where God locks people out of heaven but as a dungeon that we lock ourselves into. With this perspective, we gain new insight when we look at the parable of Lazarus the beggar, or hear the brilliant words with which Jesus reassured Peter that "the gates of hell will not prevail against you." Gates are not offensive weapons. Gates are defensive - walls and fences we build to keep people out. God is not saying the gates of hell will not prevail as they come at us. He is saying that as we storm the gates of hell, they will not prevail as we crash through them with grace.

Perhaps there is no more dangerous place for a Christian to be than in safety and comfort, detached from the suffering of others. Every time we lock someone out, we lock ourselves in. Just as we are building walls to keep people out of our comfortable, insulated existence, we are trapping ourselves in a hell of isolation, loneliness, and fear. We have 'gated communities' and fences around our suburban homes. We place barbed wire around our buildings and churches, put bars in our windows. The more walls and fences we have, the closer we are to hell. We, like the rich man, find ourselves locked into our gated homes and far from the tears of Lazarus outside, far from the tears of God.

Let's pray that God would give us the strength to storm the gates of hell and tear down the walls we have created between us and those whose suffering would disrupt our comfort. May we become familiar with the suffering of the poor outside our gates, know their names and taste the salt in their tears. Then when the Lazaruses of our world - the baby refugees, the mentally ill wanderers, the homeless outcasts - are seated next to God, we can say, "We're with them."

The gates of the kingdom will forever be open:

"And in the New Jerusalem, the great city of God, on no day will its gates ever be shut." Rev.21:25

Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw, Jesus for President

The Little Way

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 02:25:17 GMT

The book I am reading (Prayer by Richard Foster) describes a way to advance the Kingdom in a small but tenacious manner. It's called 'The Little Way of Therese of Lisieux'. This is something we can all aspire to in our everyday lives.

Therese explains her 'Little Way' as deceptively simple. It is, in short, to seek out the menial job, to welcome unjust criticism, to befriend those who annoy us, to help those who are ungrateful. For her part, Therese was convinced that these 'trifles' pleased Jesus more than the great deeds of recognized holiness. The beauty of the Little Way is how utterly available it is to everyone. All can undertake this ministry of small things. Almost daily we can give smiling service to nagging co-workers, listen attentively to silly bores, express little kindnesses without making a fuss.

We may think these trivial activities are hardly worth mentioning. That, of course, is precisely their value. They are unrecognized conquests over selfishness. We will never receive a 'thank you' for these invisible victories in ordinary life.

So, let's find that person who irritates us most, and like Therese, "set ourselves to treat them as if we loved them best of all." Mother Teresa understood this concept, stating, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." :)